this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
