He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
