my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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