I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
