Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
