Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
this hospital has no fireball
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
