plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
