A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
