People in love make me want to vomit
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
how does that bad decision feel?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
