I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
