and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
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I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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