Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
