please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
