I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
