dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
