I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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