So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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