I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
