My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
