He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
