smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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