just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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