don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
