census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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