apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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