you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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