so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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