Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
NoShamevember. You game?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
