i just wanna soil my oats bro
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
