nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
