the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
