ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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