last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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