I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
