I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
