I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
