they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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