I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
