I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
