My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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