Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
