my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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