i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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