When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
