I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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