im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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