Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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