Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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