she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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