I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
