Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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