I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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