I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
