so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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