fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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