i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
