I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
